Why do people die? Where do they go?

mnberksAwkward Questions Children Ask Part SevenGood Toy Guide Logo_MED

Dr Amanda Gummer, Play & Parenting Psychologist and founder of Fundamentally Children has been helping Mumsnetters with how to answer those awkward questions that children ask.

So today’s question is:

Why do people die? Where do they go?

tshirt sat at tableAmanda says…..

Your answer to this will be heavily influenced by the age of the child, the circumstances surrounding the timing of question, their personal experiences and your own beliefs.  If a child is suffering from grief, it is important to provide reassurance in the answer.  Ultimately, honesty in many cases is the best policy.  Younger children tend to take things literally so explaining that the family has ‘lost’ someone or he/she has ‘gone to sleep’ could lead to problems such as sleepness nights as the child will be afraid to fall asleep for fear of not waking.  As children get older you can explain in more detail but using clear, simple and accurate details is recommended.

If it is just one of those questions, you can encourage children to be more philosophical and think about concepts such as the circle of life, overcrowding of the world and even issues such as quality v quantity of life with older children.  Religious explanations aside, a child will benefit from hearing an adult acknowledge their own uncertainty.  Encourage questions from your child but be honest if you are unsure of how to answer them.  There’s no right or wrong answers.  It is fine to say that no one really knows but lots of people have ideas that they believe and that it is ok to believe whatever you want to.

Young children don’t have a mature concept of the permanence and irreversibility of death so they need an explanation that they can relate to. The butterfly analogy works well – a caterpillar on the ground goes into a cocoon not having any idea that it’s about to grow wings and emerge from its sleep as a beautiful butterfly.  This explanation can help take away the fear of dying that many children experience at some point.

A note from the Mumsnet Berkshire Local Editor: I hope I am not asked this question any time soon. The only thing I can really add to Amanda’s answer is to learn about the signs of grief in children if they have lost a loved one (be that a family member, friend or pet). For example, a change in behaviour (this could be many weeks or months after the initial bereavement), fascination with death, anxiety over certain things i.e. going to sleep, being ill etc. Please feel free to add your comments or email thoughts to berkshire@mumsnetlocal.com

Read more awkward questions here:

Read Part One: Who is lying?

Read Part Two: Why do grown ups argue?

Read Part Three:  What does the tooth fairy do with the teeth they collect?

Read Part Four: How do I explain that we can’t afford what their friends can afford?

Read Part Five: How does a baby get in Mummy’s tummy?

Read Part Six: My Friends say I am ugly. Is it true?

The Berkshire Show

mnberksMy Trip to the Berkshire Show

The Berkshire Show, organised annually by the Newbury & District Agricultural Society, is a weekend jam packed full of things of family friendly things to do and see all related to country life. There is so much to see including lots of animals, agricultural machinery, areas to shop for hand-made goods and so much more.

My husband and I took our two year old and our one year old to the Berkshire Show on Saturday 20th September. The first thing that struck us was that it was quite well organised. There are plenty of car parks (some that are free and one that charges £5 for the day) each labelled with a colour and they even had row numbers. They do pack you in and we did complain that there wasn’t a lot of room to reverse your car without risking hitting a car parked in the row behind. There was also poor sign posting for getting out of the rows of cars in the car park to leave the car park but that was our bugbear for the day.

My two year old was amazed from the start because we started off looking at some beautiful birds of prey and although we have plenty of Red Kite where we live, you don’t often get a close up view. We also saw a variety of snakes & lizards, enjoyed the petting zoo with goats, chickens, rabbits & donkeys, and enjoyed going to look at all the show animals including Lamas, pigs, sheep and poultry. On that note, I didn’t like the Poultry tent because all the animals were in very small cages and I felt quite uncomfortable about that. Whilst I appreciate it is only for a weekend event, the thought of them being cooped up and crammed in really rather upset me. The larger animals had a lot more space to roam about.

bs1There were tractors, diggers, combine harvesters and all sorts of machinery on show. Whilst it’s not really my interest, my husband and son both really enjoyed looking at them all. I was very entertained to discover that there is also a Police tractor – something I had never given any thought to.

As well as lots to see, there were many tents with kids areas for them to sit down for a bit and do some drawing, enter competitions and get some nice freebies! I was particularly happy to see a tent specifically for baby changing and feeding with a nice play area for the little ones to let off steam. I had been walking around for a few minutes trying to work out where I was going to change a nappy without being right in everyone’s way. There were also volunteers walking around telling parents where this tent was which I think was very handy.

The animals were in lots of competitions so you could listen to the judges and commentary on what was being looked for amongst the animals to pick a winner.

I was really impressed by and really enjoyed looking at all the hand made wooden crafts from benches and chairs to garden animals & walking sticks. The talent is fantastic. I only wish a few more had been Berkshire based!

Some of you would recognise them from Britians Got Talent – Bolddog Lings Freestyle FMX team were there doing a Motorcycle stunt display. We didn’t get to see it but heard from others that it was fantastic to see. The Main arena also featured show jumping and heavy horses.

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Along with crafts, photography and cookery demonstrations there was something for everyone. We noticed that most of the people there were older and not so many families. That’s a bit disappointing for us because we thought it was a great place to take the children.

berkshire showThere was plenty of seating but not enough toilets. The toilers they did have always seemed to be a long walk from where I was and at one point I had a debate about whether I could hold it or not. So for future years they really need more toilets especially with the huge number of visitors attending.

Overall, a great day with lots to see and do for all the family. You can buy tickets in advance or on the day but it is obviously more expensive on the day. For more information on the Berkshire show, visit their website here: http://www.berkshireshow.co.uk/

My tickets were free but this in no way influenced the outcome of my review.

Tips for choosing a toddler activity class by Sport4Kids

mnberks

There are so many toddler activity classes  on offer to parents. However, choosing the best activity classes can be a challenge, with options ranging from local clubs to professionally run classes. It is often the case that classes can be badly organized, inconsistently staffed and poorly run. This can ultimately lead to toddlers becoming disengaged with the activity and forming a negative association with the hobby.

Sport4Kids have provided the following five key tips for parents when selecting a toddler activity class…

1. Is the class tailored to your toddler’s stage of development?

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When introducing your child to any toddler activity, it is vital that the class pitches itself at the correct level for the children involved. Take a look at what the toddlers are being asked to do – is the aim of the game understood? Do the children in the class have the capability to learn the skills needed to play the game? We would expect most toddler activity classes to need parental assistance at this age, but it is important that the toddlers are able to grasp the concept of the game so that they remain enthused.

2. Does the class give your toddler a fun time?

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Fun is the precursor to engagement in terms of toddler activity. If a toddler is not having fun, they will not be engaged with the class – no matter how much the parent can see the benefit! Is your toddler laughing and smiling with their peers and coaches or teachers? Do they babble about wanting to attend the class during the week when you are at home? Do they perform little actions that mimic the class content around the house? These are all signs that your little one is having fun –oh and of course beaming smiles during the class!

3. Are the teachers of a quality that you are happy with?

Most classes will advertise that their coaches are DBS registered and qualified to coach or teach the toddler activity that you have chosen. This is a good start and should not be overlooked. However, this does not provide an overall picture of the teacher. Is the teacher good at communication with the toddler age group? For example, in the instance of toddler football classes , a large number of coaches claim to have FA recognized qualifications. However, the FA courses provide no information on toddlers or indeed children under the age of 5 years. Can we guarantee that a FA qualified football coach would be suitable for a toddler class? Not at all! Qualities to look out for include…How caring the teaching team is? Are they trained in a child-centric approach to toddler teaching?   Are they well turned out and looking as though they take care of their appearance and therefore the appearance of the organization? Without respect for their appearance and the organization they represent how can we be sure they will respect your child – well the answer is we can’t.

4. Will The Toddlers Learn Something?

Tots Small 6

All toddlers behave differently and will ultimately develop different interests. Some like to draw, others like to bang a tambourine and others will love kicking a football – the crucial part of any toddler activity class though, is that the toddler learns something. Whether this be learning new colours, shapes, sounds or movements, one of the primary focuses of the class should be that every child takes something away…along with the expected smile!

5. Does the class have an ongoing development path?

Many toddler activity class teachers will pitch up and make a set of routines up for the class for the day on the spot. These individuals possess great talent – the ability to entertain children at the drop of a hat is hard enough for parents, so to watch another person do it often leaves us in awe. The only issue with this approach is that it often fails to consider the developmental trajectory of the toddler. It is important that the organization that you select for your child follows a curriculum based approach, with clear milestones for your toddler to develop over time. Toddlers are little bundles of senses, but psychologically and physically they are always developing and need to be challenged. Many organizations also offer classes beyond the toddler years, meaning that if you find a trusted provider for your child’s activity, you can pursue it with them and watch them grow throughout childhood. Ask your provider about the structure of classes and why they are structured this way – the absence or inclusion of a curriculum based approach will soon become apparent!

We encourage all parents to pursue taking part in some form of activity with their toddler. The best providers will always offer free taster sessions for parents and this will allow you to check out all of our tips in person!

Dr Mark Gould

Dr Mark Gould is an innovator of child sport, entertainment, learning and development.  He has a PhD in Psychology and is a champion of women’s sport, with over 10 years coaching experience.

This post was sponsored by Sports4Kids.

To find out  more about toddler activities organised by Sports4Kids please visit their website http://sport4kids.biz/activities/toddler-activities and visit http://sport4kids.biz/classes/s4k-tots for information on football for tots.

How do I explain that we can’t afford to go on holiday like all their other friends? And dance classes, and expensive day trips?

mnberksAwkward Questions Children Ask Part Four

Good Toy Guide Logo_MED

 

 

Dr Amanda Gummer, Play & Parenting Psychologist and founder of Fundamentally Children has been helping Mumsnetters with how to answer those awkward questions that children ask.

How do I explain that we can’t afford to go on holiday like all their other friends? And dance classes, and expensive day trips?

tshirt sat at tableAmanda says……

Most things in life cost money and it’s important for children to understand its value and to know that everyone has differing amounts.  This can be really difficult concept for young children who think that meals or days out are free.

Why not ask them to save some pocket money towards a day trip out, this will really help them to relate to how much things cost and make them understand that if they spend all their money on this trip they will miss out on other things such as sweets/magazines. If parents are going out to work, you can also explain that mummy and daddy work really hard to earn the money to pay for nice things and try to explain the process.

Some people have lots of money and can do whatever they like; lots of days out, holidays and dance classes. However the majority of people earn less and have to budget or pick and choose what they do as they can’t afford to do everything.

Explain to your child that having lots of money can buy you nice things but it doesn’t mean you will be happier, there are plenty of lovely things you can do that are free, such as visiting your closest beach for the day, having picnics in the park and these can be equally as special.  Try not to mention the cost of activities – a child won’t normally know the cost of a DVD and pizza night at home versus a cinema trip, they will take their lead from you.  Don’t feel pressured to supply endless treats as often a child will want to stay at home and play lego even more than going out for a day – it’s often the pressure we put on ourselves as parents that is an issue.

If there are certain things they really want to do, for example, dance classes why not get them to ask for these to be Christmas or birthday presents.

A note from the Mumsnet Berkshire Editor: Money is such a hard concept for children to understand. What’s most important is making the use of free activities where possible and also just making sure you actually have time as a family. Depending on the age of the child, most just want to have someone/their parents to play with them and to spend time with them.  Don’t forget you can use things such as Tesco Clubcard vouchers to pay for days out if you save them up. Plan things like Christmas in advance, consider second hand toys (you can get some bargain toys in great condition). When it comes to activities such as dance classes, work with your child to see how much they really want to do the activity. i.e. prove that they will stick at it and not just want to stop two classes in. You could ask them to help you for x no. of weeks with a house hold chore and if they do it regularly with no fuss they are showing they can commit and perhaps it is a worthwhile investment. Shop around for classes and don’t be afraid to ask for discount or to do pay as you go.

Read Part One: Who is lying?

Read Part Two: Why do grown ups argue?

Read Part Three: What does the tooth fairy do with the teeth they collect?

Family friendly Day out at Ascot Racecourse

Mumsnet Berkshire
Mumsnet Berkshire

Mother’s Day – what better way to spend it than with your family and complimentary tickets to Ascot’s Country Fair Race Day.

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So that is exactly what I did! When I was first asked to come along to a family day at Ascot Racecourse, I must admit I was dubious. My memories of a trip to Ascot were pre-children and involved drinking jugs of Pimms and lazing in the sun. How could a race course be family friendly? By family, I mean my husband, my parents (on-site baby sitters ;-)), my 2-year old and my 6 month old… oh and me!

Panic set in. How would I entertain my 2 year old? He would never sit still. Oh no he would have to miss his nap! Would there be a mega toddler meltdown associated with sleep deprivation? However,  I love a freebie and the opportunity to go in a Private box  was not one to be missed.  I have to point out at this stage that if anyone is going to find fault, it will be me.

On arrival, parking was easy and plentiful, we spent very little time queuing and there was plenty of staff on hand to take tickets, ask directions etc. We walked through the grounds of Ascot and I was struck with amazement at how good it looked with all the children and family activities set out. There were games to play such as a coconut shy etc, there were farm animals in a petting zone, a softplay & toddler area, a climbing wall and a huge blow up slide attached to a climbing frame where you had to scale about 6 levels in order to get to the top of the slide! Oh and not to forget the obligatory Ice Cream Man.

Ascot Country Fair Raceday Ascot Country Fair Raceday Ascot Country Fair Raceday Ascot Country Fair Raceday

The concourse entrance had several stalls outside selling items such as hats and inside there were food stalls and a craft area for the children and a mum chill out zone where you could have a complimentary massage with tea and cake.  All looked good so far!

We found our box and I enjoyed several cups of tea whilst fretting that my 2 year old was going to some how scale the balcony and fall over (not possible for one so small) or leg it under the dividing rail outside that links the balconies of all the private boxes (very achievable for one so small and so quick). Of course, he did manage the latter but we soon learned to hang out by the barrier.

We then went on a quick tour so we’d know our way around. We had a look at the third floor which is for premier admissions, so premier ticket holders can go on a balcony and watch the races, we were shown where the finish line is (surprisingly not obvious for a complete novice). Premier tickets are £30 per adult (children under 18 are always free).

We were then taken down to the concourse where it was explained to us how the system worked i.e. the concourse is slim so you can stand in the grandstand to watch the races but it is only a short walk to place a bet/collect your winnings before walking back outside to the grandstand again. I have to admit, it was a great atmosphere. It was buzzing and nicely busy but not jam-packed.  Grandstand admission is the cheapest tickets starting at £15 per adult if you are booking for 6 or more adults or £25 per adult for less than 6 people.

We then went back to our Private Box for a wonderful lunch. If you can stretch to a Box, I’d recommend it because it’s great to have a base for the family to hang out or leave your stuff whilst you explore the grounds and having your own balcony means a great view! However, if you opt for the Grandstand or Premier admission there are plenty of restaurants and places to sit and eat and drink. So whether you fancy fish and chips, fine dining or just a sandwich, there was something for everyone.

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Speaking of food – If you didn’t fancy eating inside and wanted the little ones to run around, there is plenty of green space to chuck a picnic blanket on the floor or take some fold up chairs to sit on and plenty of picnic benches on the lawn of the grandstand. In fact, it was such a lovely sunny day I was (almost) envious of the families sat on the lawns sunning themselves whilst we sat eating our very gorgeous meal upstairs. What a lovely treat to not have to cook for once!!

Ascot Country Fair Raceday

 

 

 

 

 

After lunch, I took my 6 month old and my mum to the concourse to find the location of the mum’s chill out zone while my husband and dad took my son off to find something toddler friendly. This brings me to a slight negative – the lifts. I have a Baby Jogger City Select Tandem buggy so it’s very long. We waited over 10 minutes for a lift that we could get in. We gave up and abandoned the buggy because, not only did we have to wait what felt like an eternity for the lift to arrive, when it did, it was full of people from the floor above so we could never get in it. Anyway, as I say, we took the buggy back to the Private Box and just carried the baby downstairs.

The massage was nice. It was right next to the concourse so you were surrounded by people which slightly negated from the relaxing element of the massage. However, relaxing it was and it was nice just to sit down and let someone work out those knots for you! In fact, even whilst my mum had her massage (after mine), I was still being offered complimentary teas and coffees.

This brings me quickly to the staff. They were all so incredibly polite and helpful. I could not fault them. My mum even ran the buggy over a member of staff’s feet and he was incredibly polite about it despite the fact it hurt. Now, you do expect great service but you don’t often get it so it was lovely just to have people offering you help all the time and being really approachable. I actually can’t fault the staff at all  ( and I am normally so good at picking fault with customer service!).

After the massage, we went over to the bandstand where we joined the rest of the family at the animal petting zone. My son was in an enclosed area petting rabbits. It was so cute! All the children were allowed to go in the Rabbit pen and feed or stroke the rabbits. There were also goats, a sheep, ducks & geese, as well as baby chicks. Hand sanitiser was provided so I didn’t have to worry about my sons germy hands.  I was really impressed. Even the layout was good. There was a white picket fence with an entrance and inside the area, the animal pens were nicely spaced out so there was plenty of room for everyone and to navigate buggys and pushchairs.  On one side of the animal pen was the children’s play area. This was very busy as you can imagine as it was filled with children. It was quite hard to keep an eye on my two year old but there was lots of play on that was suitable for him and other equipment as I mentioned above, more suitable for older children.

A bit further over they had a Sheep Racing area for the Lamb National. It was quite funny to watch as these sheep were dressed up with a knitted jockey on each sheep and a sheep dog chasing them round. The commentator made it really good fun to watch.  Unfortunately, we missed the falconry display but I am sure it would have been impressive and I was told that older children would be able to get involved with the show.

Ascot Country Fair Raceday

 

 

 

 

 

I have mentioned feeding myself and I have mentioned feeding my toddler (children eat free in some of the eateries) but I haven’t mentioned feeding my baby. I am breastfeeding my baby and although I am happy to breastfeed in public wherever I need to, I do prefer the quiet of a private feeding room. This is partly because my baby is distractable and likes to be nosey and partly to reduce the likelihood of exposing myself to anyone who might be bothered by it (not that they should be mind you!).  I was pleased to see a baby feeding room by the Box Holders entrance to Ascot. I didn’t venture inside but I took note it was there. What then took me by surprise was the fact that there are no private baby feeding areas within the main Ascot Racecourse building.

Once we had arrived at our Private Box, I asked a member of staff to find out if there was anywhere I could feed my baby. She was great and went off to find out immediately. What wasn’t great was her answer. I am welcome to use the ladies toilet or the disabled toilet. What?! Feed my baby on the loo? Despite the fact there was nothing negative intended, but merely the offer of somewhere quieter to feed, offering a nursing (or bottle feeding) mum the use of the toilet to feed her baby is never acceptable.  In the end, most of her feeds were done in our Box but I did resort to one feed in the loo in the afternoon because it was very busy in our Box. It would have taken me about 10 minutes to walk across the Racecourse grounds to the baby feeding room at the entrance. Anyone with a hungry baby will know that seconds count when it comes to producing food. Although the toilets were clean and well-kept, it is quite difficult to feed a baby whilst sat on a toilet seat. One suggestion for future improvement might be to at least put a couple of comfortable chairs in the toilets in the corner for nursing mums (not ideal but better than actually sat on the loo) or to use some of the space within the main building to create a baby feeding room with facilities not only for nursing mums, but also bottle feeding mums i.e. bottle warmers, sterilising equipment etc.

I would like to make it clear that I felt very welcome to feed my baby anywhere and that I believe Ascot Racecourse to be supportive of mothers however they feed their babies. This is proven by the feeding room they already have in place as well as being friendly whilst I was nursing my baby.

Moving on…… Each child was given a little pack with a brochure, colouring pencils and a chocolate lollipop. The brochure included pictures to colour in and games for older children, as well as information on the horses. This meant it was not only fun but educational too. Win Win! If I was going to be picky I’d suggest a piece of fruit instead of chocolate for the children but who doesn’t love a bonus chocolate lollipop from time to time as a treat?

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Increasing it’s family friendliness even more, and engaging children in learning about horses, Ascot Racecourse also has a free club that under 16’s can join called Colts and Fillies (www.coltsandfillies.co.uk). On the Race Days there are activities that are exclusively available to these little members. This is taken directly from the site:

The club is free for children age 16 and under and organises activities throughout the year which
allow youngsters to engage in horse racing and learn about it in a fun and exciting way.
For 2014 the club will have a horse in training with Eve Johnson Houghton. This will enable the members to experience the thrill of racehorse ownership. A large number of regular visitors to the races had their interest sparked as a child, usually by being taken racing by a parent who loved the sport. The club aims to ignite that spark in children by making it easy and free to be involved so that no child, whatever their
circumstances, is excluded from enjoying this wonderful sport.

All race days are family friendly and children are welcome any time. However, they do run certain events throughout the year that are specifically aimed with children in mind. Look out for the following dates:

19th May - Victoria Cup Day
27th July - King George Family Sunday
9th August - Shergar Cup Day
1st November - United House Group Raceday And Fireworks Spectacular
19th & 20th December - Christmas Weekend Meeting

If you strip out all the family activities and focus purely on the racing side of it what do children really think of it? Do they take any notice? I can tell you my two year old enjoyed it – he really enjoyed seeing the horses trot past to go to the starting line and actually propped himself up on the balcony to get the best view for him if no-one was volunteering to hold him up. Once the races actually started he did get a bit overwhelmed by the noise and cheering but he couldn’t tear his eyes from the screens with the horses on. We spent some time at the parade ring and got to see some of the horses close up and I was so pleased my son got to see these beautiful animals up close.

Observing all the older children, I’d say they enjoyed watching the racing too but it was good they had entertainment in between races or instead of watching the races.

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Earlier on I discussed the price. Cheapest tickets are £15 per adult (don’t forget children are free up until 18!) if you are booking for 6 adults or more, or £25 per adult for less than 6 people.  Does this pose value for money for a family? A family of 4 (based on two adults and two children) would be £50. This does sound expensive but when you consider you are there for the whole day, children are free and you can bring all your own food and drink then I think it offers not only value, but experience, education and atmosphere. I do think for family days all Grandstand tickets should be £10-15 per adult regardless of the number of adults in the party – this would make it more affordable to the general public and therefore more appealing to a wider audience. Plus you get to dress up a bit! The only downside was that the staff weren’t able to tell us which horse would win 😉

On that note, I did find myself talking to other parents who weren’t placing bets on the day because they did not feel comfortable gambling in front of their children. This article isn’t here to discuss the ethics of gambling and children but it is nice to note that there is absolutely no pressure to have a flutter and that for us, whether we placed a bet or not, this did not influence the enjoyment of the day.

Overall, my family had a brilliant experience. The day went very smoothly, the staff were impeccable in both manners, helpfulness and knowledge and a credit to Ascot Racecourse, there was plenty to do without being overwhelming and had a nice relaxed pace set so there was no feeling of being rushed at all or thinking that you’d miss out on something if you spent too long in one area. There was lots to see and do for the children and the adults so very much a day for all.  As I mentioned above, my only real disappointment was the lack of baby feeding areas within the main building. I probably wouldn’t take my toddler to a race day if it wasn’t a family day because I think I’d spend it running round after him rather than enjoying the races, but I would take him to another family day in future. Older children and teenagers are likely to get more out of it on non-family race days than very young children. Plus we all need a bit of grown up time on occasion! Well Done Ascot Racecourse.

*Photos supplied by Ascot Racecourse and William Stott Photography

 

Country Fair Race Day
Country Fair Race Day